The Diversion
by Noirink
Summary: The final battle is raging on and everyone is pitching in. But nothing is working against Father's barrier. So Greed/Ling comes up with a ridiculous plan. Find out what that plan is in this humorous tale. SPOILERS for chap. 107


**A/N: Before you begin reading, please note that this oneshot contains spoilers for chapter 107... I think. However, it's more of a "What Could Happen" kind of story. So, read at your own risk and have a good time doing it. Also, I don't own the "Hula" song nor FMA manga. Thank you, please read and review. **

Everyone was pitching in to stop the malicious Father (AKA Homunculus according to Hohenheim). However, no matter how much they tried, nothing seemed to be working. Missiles and bullets bounced off the Ed-like man's barrier like rubber balls. "Give up you pathetic humans. Nothing you do will make a difference," Father taunted. Edward growled in anger.

"What are we going to do?" Izumi inquired.

"I'm not sure, Teacher, everything is like a joke to him," Ed retorted. Suddenly, fire came out of nowhere and engulfed Father.

"Did I get him?" Roy inquired to Riza, who was aiding him.

"Short five degrees, sir!" Riza answered. Another blast came and hit the target, but again, the barrier held up.

Greed/Ling stood at a distance and looked on. _"We need to come up with a plan to distract that homunculus!" _Ling said from inside Greed.

"Yeah, I know, but what?" Greed queried. Ling thought for a moment…

_"I got it!"_ Ling stated. The Xingese prince explained the plan to his greedy partner, who was not amused by the strategy.

"No! No way in heck, are we doing that!" Greed semi-hollered.

_"Not we! Ed!" _Ling affirmed with a grin.

"Ooooh, I get it! Alright, let's do it!" Greed concurred. The one body with two souls sauntered casually over toward Edward, who was still standing next to Izumi. "Hey, 'shrimp', Ling told me a good idea to distract 'Pops' over there," Greed said to the young alchemist.

"Oh, yeah, so what's your plan to get past that 'son of a gun'?" Ed queried.

"Live bait!" Greed answered.

"Hmm, good idea…" Ed started, "…Hey!"

"Come on Edward, we need you to create a diversion!" Greed provoked.

"What do you want me to do? Dress in drag and do the Hula?" Ed hollered.

**With Alphonse's help, the plan was put into action…**

(Edward) Luau! If you're hungry for hunk of fat and juicy steel,  
Eat my buddie Alphonse here cuz he is a treat! A hundred dollar dine, others thinks he's fine,  
all you gotta do is get in line. Are ya achin'?

(Alphonse) Yup Yup Yup

(Edward) For some metal?

(Alphonse) Yup Yup Yup

(Edward) He's a big guy

(Alphonse) Yup Yup 

(Edward) You can be a big guy too! Oy!

Father stood agape at the scene. His jaw was practically on the ground. Edward and Alphonse were still in their performance positions. Of course, Al couldn't really move, due to the fact his legs were broken off.

"What… The… Heck…?" Father stuttered, bewildered. Hohenheim, Izumi, and everyone else just looked on. Although, Greed/Ling was laughing up a storm.

"I can't believe you did it, Ed! HAHAHA!" Greed attempted to say. He was laughing so hard, tears were pouring out of his scarlet eyes. Unfortunately, he forgot the plan, but Ling didn't.

_"Hey, you were supposed to sneak up on him you 'dope'!"_ Ling scolded.

"Sorry, kid, but that was too darn funny!" Greed retorted. Edward had his signature grumpy face on and stormed over toward the greedy homunculus.

Meanwhile, Father stared at Hohenheim with confusion and wow. "Uh, Hohenheim, I think there's something horribly wrong with your child," he finally said.

"Yeah, I realize that now," Hohenheim shot back. What the heck was Ed thinking? This was just as worse as his 'The British are coming! The British are coming!' phase. However, this "hula" dance was more entertaining.

"I'm gonna kill you!" Ed screeched, punching Greed.

"Hey, you didn't have to do it, 'shrimp'!" Greed countered. The two were in a brawl and parts of Ed's grass skirt came flying in the air. Poor Alphonse, on the other hand, was still lying in the recently-transmuted platter that he and Ed used.

"Can someone help me?" Al squirmed. Mei, thankfully, helped up her beloved suit of armor and sat beside him.

"Are you alright, Alphonse-sama?" the girl inquired.

"Mm-hmm," Al replied. Suddenly, another fight emerged; one between Hohenheim and Father.

"I _so do_ know how to take care of children, especially my own kids!" the blonde father hollered.

"Excuse me, but I think maybe _you_ were dropped on your head when you were a baby! I mean really, you came out with a lobster!" Father shouted back.

"I already told you, I was trying to save my son!" Hohenheim yelled.

"Yeah, 'save'," Father put emphasis on "save".

There was a pause, and then Hohenheim spoke. "Speaking of that lobster, where did it go?"

"You mean it was real?" Father queried.

"Uh-huh, what'd you think it was?" Hohenheim countered.

"Oh, I thought it was…" Father began, but a sudden pain shot through his rear. "OWWWW!" The man shot up from his spot and went at least twenty feet into the air. And right there, on his butt, was the lobster. Finally, Father came back down to Earth.

"So that's where Steve went," Hohenheim stated.

"Yeah… And Steve here is gonna be lobster dinner pretty soon," Father retorted, holding up the lobster and glaring at it.

"NOOO! Don't hurt Steve, he's my only travelling buddy that I have!" Hohenheim shrieked girlishly.

"A lobster… Is your travelling buddy?" Father asked annoyed.

"Yes! He's my buddy, so don't judge him based on his species! Steve is special!" Hohenheim answered.

Father did a _face-palm_ and said, "Okay, now I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with you." The two bickered between each other and the final battle was postponed to the next day.

THE END


End file.
